I watched a really good TED Talk recently (And I confess I have been fairly addicted to watching them back to back on Youtube as of late) about not waiting to address your problems or issues, as more often than not, leaving things may make the present less scary, but causes much bigger barriers in the long run. The speaker used a great analogy of how letters are much the same. You leave a letter unopened because you are afraid about the credit card debt you've built up, or the amount of that bill you know you have to pay. However, we all know what happens when you don't pay your bills. Warning letters, bailiffs, court appearances and even jail.
There is a part of the brain that wants to keep you safe, that wants to remove you as far away from the threat as possible and is only concerned with short term self preservation. That part of the brain is willing to dive headfirst into denial as a way of protecting itself, to prevent the pain of the future from being realised. And it can be effective. Temporarily. But the longer this period of denial continues, the bigger the chances of unhealthy habits have for developing; or to keep in tandem with the letter analogy, the bigger the bill. The bigger the debt.
People with addictions will know this well. When you think about it, losing yourself in drugs, gambling, sex, or anything else that gives you enough of a high to distract you from pain is a quite rational strategy. But this does not do you any good. It keeps the letter closed and creates stagnation and then regression. The other part of the brain - the part that can look past the realm of immediate self preservation and into the future knows this. It will be arguing the case for opening the letter, but depending on how loud the selfish part of the brain is, the message can be drowned out. No-one wants to be addicted after all.
I have issues myself surrounding some physical conditions that made me terrified of rejection - of someone being as repulsed as I most feared they would be if I opened myself up to someone else. I listened to that selfish part of my brain that said 'it's easier and safer to just accept that you will never be physically close with anyone'. As a young, impressionable boy it was almost as if that instruction was coming from a higher power who knew better. So I agreed. No, I made a promise to accept this. I pulled away from opportunities to be close to people for the next two decades with this underlying promise at it's core. And the distance didn't just remain in physical terms, but emotionally too of course. I kept the letter closed. Racked up the debt. All the while, knowing that I was doing so, and hating myself more in the process. I was safe, but I was hiding from something I knew needed addressing. I was a coward trapped in a type of limbo.
It got to a point where the debt had built up to such an extent I had one of two choices: address my issues and all the pain that went along with it, or the most drastic means to self preserve from any further pain - death. Luckily for me I met someone who I was able to open up to which meant I gradually no longer felt that second option was a valid choice. It was by no means easy - in fact quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do - but I had managed to open the letter and peer inside. What I found there was painful and horrible, but it was open and bit by bit the debt could be addressed and paid off. I'm still in that process and have some way to go.
The purpose of this post is not to boast to anyone struggling that I am doing better, but to implore the reader to open their letters, to face their pain and allow themselves the cry now so you don't have to cry more in the future. Don't leave it until there is a crisis point. Say to that part of your brain that wants to keep you safe - 'I know what you are trying to do, but it isn't helping'. Ultimately make a habit of doing this, and open your letters as soon as possible when one becomes apparent. You don't have to do this on your own, in fact it's important to talk to other people in this process. So talk to someone who you can be open with, someone you can trust, who can help you take the weight of what you are carrying off your shoulders and let it dissolve in the open. Because in the end, the pain you will encounter in the future from not confronting your problems now, far outweighs the pain you will temporarily experience by addressing them presently.
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