Something that I have noticed after becoming more self aware is how much I previously needed to be in control and realising the futility in trying to control things too much. For a long time I was the type of person that would always try and be in control particularly with regards to my emotions and feelings. Obviously there is value in being able to control yourself to a certain degree but it can be damaging depending on the level of control being exerted and especially if it means, like was the case with me, ignoring or even disregarding feelings and emotions altogether. I would find people who exhibited little or no control or acted irrationally offensive, but this was only because deep down I was envious of them for appearing free of inhibition. I also had strong political views and ideals about how the world should be. Again, there is not anything wrong with having ideals, but it is important to distinguish between a healthy ideal a view of the world where nothing is ever good or perfect enough.
There are many causes of controlling behaviour, with trauma, low self esteem, a desire for perfectionism (which is actually a fear of failure) and sensitivity being just some. It is generally a good idea to try and get to the root cause of a negative behaviour and seeking help to do this where possible and necessary.
It is also useful to use the conscious mind to recognise when we are being too controlling either with ourselves, others or our idea of the world. Buddha had it right in a lot of respects, especially with regards to letting go of that part of the ego which needs to control things within us to an excess or things external to ourselves. Trying to control things that are beyond our control is a loosing battle and will only bring frustration and dissatisfaction. It is much healthier to clearly define what we can control and differentiate what we cannot control from this.
Being able to roll with the punches that life brings is valuable too. We don't need to control every facet of life. This is obviously not to say that descending into full blown nihilism and giving up any sense of personal responsibility we have for caring for ourselves and others, is the answer either. There is a middle ground that provides the best of both worlds. Being able to say 'que sera sera, whatever will be will be' with regards to the aspects of life that are out of your control and focusing on what you can control for the better is surely the best way to go.
Of course it is easy to just recommend doing this, when in reality it can be difficult to change ingrained habits. The whole ethos of this blog though, is to champion the way that small changes done often and consistently can lead to larger, positive changes. Next time you feel that need to be in control in a situation, take a pause, step back and ask yourself do you truly need to expend your energy to be in control here? Or can you let the situation unfold by itself? Practice being able to distinguish your domain of control and where its borders truly need to lie. Do this enough and eventually you will have less stress and more energy to give to the people and situations that actually require it.
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